I love my job. I love being an assistant manager, and all the new responsibility that comes along with it. Working first shift every other weekend it fun.

However it is nights like this, when AJ is working all night, and I am curled up in bed without my sweet baby boy beside me, that I wish more than anything that I could just be a stay at home mommy. With my having to work first shift all weekend this weekend, my baby boy gets to spend the whole entire weekend with his grandparents. Great for them, not so great for me. 

My son is 19 months old. Because of my work schedule I missed him crawling for the first time, I missed his first smile, first laugh, first steps. I feel like I have been missing his entire life. I even had to give up nursing him sooner than I would have liked because my work schedule made it all too hard. 

I just wish more than anything that I could be able to stay home with my sweet boy. I would give anything to be able to be here with him every day, to be the one there with him when he wakes up with a bad dream at night, to be able to cook and clean every day, and finally get past this mountain of laundry that I can never seem to make disappear. I love cooking, and baking, and organizing, but there is no time for that. 

It is hard, because I try not to, but I am beginning to resent my fiance. I grew up with a dad who worked hard every day, and a mother who kept a spotless house and warm dinner on the table. Here I am the breadwinner, and he works less than half what I do. I am still the one responsible for the cleaning and cooking, which is why we eat way too much fast food and my house always resembles an episode of "Hoarders". 

I just want my baby boy. I just want to cuddle, and hold him, and listen to his heartbeat and breath. I wanted more than anything to be a mother, and this is not the kind of mother I hoped to be. I never meant to be a stranger to my only child.